Showering. Food. Friends. Class. Interests. Beliefs. Stores. Family. English. After my time in Bolivia, what was normal to me, and what my identity was constructed upon has changed. The familiar has become the unfamiliar, and I am suddenly uncomfortable in settings where I used to be fine and at home. Coming back has not been easy. Here is why.
First off, talking about Bolivia seems like a dream. People would ask me "how was your trip"!? -Yet were only interested in a 2 minute summary of my life changing experience. How the heck do you sum something like that up! My family was the most frustrating, because they hardly inquired at all on my experience. So, with friends and family, I put my experience into tidy little boxes of responses such as "it was good" or "I learned a lot" to suffice their curtious inquiries, then move on to topics such as the weather, or the upcoming hockey season, while I thought WHOOO CARES?!?! I totally felt like no one cared to hear about my travels or understand how impactful this year was on my life.
English, the language I have been speaking since I was a kid, is now a challenge at times. Spanish words slip out instead of english ones... even in classes. I feel like I can't express myself as clearly in english as I could before. And there are ways that I want to express myself in spanish, that just don't translate to english.
Being home, where nothing had changed, made Bolivia seem like a dream which had taken place in only a few hours, then I woke up to where everything was 'normal' again. But, unlike when you have a dream, when I woke up everything was not normal anymore. Home was no longer home. I felt disconnected and strange in my own house, at work and now back here at St.FX. For example, I used to go on afternoon shopping with my mom for groceries or she would take me out to buy new clothes every no and again. When I went with her the first time I was back, I couldn't handle it, and was miserable the entire time. All I could think about was how much we consume that we don't need, how little people have in Bolivia or how the fact that the pair of pants I was buying was more than the income of some families in an entire week. Or another example would be how I would take home as much of the leftover food from work that I could fit into a box, and make a fuss about having to throw out so much at the end of a shift. Or another example, was that for the first 2 weeks of being home I always put my tp in the garbage, not the toilet, without thinking. It was definitly awkward when a friend who was in the bathroom with me commented "ummmm maybe you should flush that instead girl!!" with a look of disgust on her face!
Another of the strangeness with home was with some groups of friends, and with my family. I think they expected me to come back and jump right on in where I had left off in my activities and beliefs and I think I probably thought to some extent I would be able to. That definitly didn't happen. I am NOT the same person as before... I have CHANGED. In my case my identity is tied closely to my faith. I still hold close to my beliefs, and the root of those beliefs has no changed but I have become much more open to somethings, and against previous practices that I once supported. This makes people alittle awkward with me, and even disappointed that I have changed for the worse in their opinions. For example, I used to lead a Bible Study. I most definitly would not be offered that oppotunity again this year, probably on the basis that I lived with my boyfriend for a time. These people are totally still my friends, just we have different dynamics now, and I feel like I can't be my new self completly with them. I have negotiated this change in identity with my present surroundings by just BEING and not pretending to be the same person I was before Bolivia. People are going to take me or not for who I am. I am leaving it up to them to decide. (Getting to this point is hard because it means I am risking that some friends from before may not accept me as before). So summing up this point, you change when you go away, and because of these personal changes you may not feel the same way in your relationships with people when you get back.
The hardest part of all about 'home' is that it isn't home any more. I don't feel like this is where I want to settle, or that this is the place I belong. Yet while in Bolivia, as much as I felt more comfortable there, and I feel more at home there in many ways, I know it can never be my actual home as I am always seen as the 'gringa' in that country. I have travelled to other countries, and as much as they have become my home for a time, I am always remembering 'home' back here in Canada. When I get back to canada, I am wishing I was at my 'home' in another country. So I never feel totally settled. I think I need to just make where I am at the moment be home, and not mark home as having a fixed address, because it definitly doesn't have one for me.
So, in conclusion, being 'home' in Canada has been challenging. What was home, and my previous life has stayed the same, and I have changed.